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Est. 1997 - Proprietors Anthony, Barnett & Massey
The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret


This Who's Who was originally featured in Issue 85 - May 2004

Albert, Death's manservant, is arguably the greatest wizard the Disc has ever seen. In the distant past he was called Alberto Malich and founded Unseen University, where a statue was erected in his honour. He has effectively achieved immortality by taking employment in Death's realm where time does not pass. As a result, he has remained 67 years old while two thousand years pass on the Discworld.

Albert, is arguably the greatest wizard the Disc has ever seen.

As Death's servant Albert seems to be primarily responsible for taking care of the needs of other living creatures in Death's home, such as human visitors, the bees and Binky. His main duty in Mort is to cook breakfast with an incredible amount of grease, although you don't need to worry about healthy eating in a place where you can't die or, apparently, put on weight. Pedants will note, however, that Death's daughter Ysabell enjoyed chocolates and was somewhat plump so perhaps one's body adopts the proportions indicated by one's 'morphic field' or something.

When circumstances drive Albert to return to the world in Mort, he undoubtedly relishes the chance to use magic again and generally lord it over lesser wizards at Unseen University. Taking a dislike to the statue of himself, his first act on returning to the Disc is to destroy it, leading the wizards who subsequently see him to think the statue has come to life to wreak revenge for years of graffiti and unfortunate toilet incidents.

Albert quickly discovers that his bar tab from circa two thousand years ago is still being held at the Drum - unluckily for the landlord, who is summarily turned into a toad. Needless to say, the Faculty - and probably the landlord of the Drum - are glad to see Albert reluctantly returned to his place at Death's side.

Albert only has limited time available to him on the Disc. Bit by bit he is using up this short supply, for example when he adopts the role of Uncle Heavy to assist Death in impersonating the Hogfather. Mortality is of particular concern to Albert, though, because he fears that in his days as a great wizard he made enemies who might still be waiting for him on the other side.

There is more to Albert than just a crotchety old man who loves a fry-up. At times he encapsulates that particular human state where one is trapped by one's own fear. He would love to return to 'real' life but dare not do so. Despite being the greatest wizard on the Disc, he is ultimately a tragic, or even slightly pathetic, figure, constantly living in Death's shadow without ever really facing him.