Home » Back Issues » Issue 22
Est. 1997 - Proprietors Anthony, Barnett & Massey
The Truth Shall Make Ye Free

Discworld Monthly - Issue 22: February 1999

Table of Contents:

1. Editorial
2. News
3. Readers' Letters
4. Who's Who On The Discworld: HEX
5. Mike Richardson's Interview with Terry Pratchett
6. Millennium Hand and Shrimp - The 3rd Discworld Convention
7. DiscTrivia
8. PTerry Short Stories - Part 14 - "THE SEA AND LITTLE FISHES"
9. The End

1. Editorial

Welcome to issue 22. We have changed our email and web address. Our new web address is discworldmonthly.co.uk/ and our new email address is

Please update your bookmarks and address books now as the old address will stop working within the next few days of February.

I would like to thank everyone who sent us emails to celebrate the birth of our daughter Emily Mary last month. It was wonderful reading all the little snippets of advice and good wishes. And yes, we are all still suffering from sleepless nights!

Last month one of our readers mentioned a $665.10 copy of Carpe Jugulum available in Australia. This was actually a box set with 18 copies of the book.

--
Jason Anthony (Editor)
William Barnett (Deputy Editor)
Richard Massey (Frequent Flyer)


2. News

"Alistair Coleman" ( ) writes: there's an interview with PTerry at www.sainsburys.co.uk about his eating habits. Bananas, and I think he's taking the mick here.

Wyrd Sisters will be performed at the People's Theatre, Newcastle upon Tyne, May 25th - 29th. Tickets are available from the Theatre Box Office telephone 0191 265 5020 or keep an eye on the Theatre's web site at: www.northeast-online.co.uk/peoplestheatre/

"Kevin Whittaker" ( ) found the following details on a complimentary bookmark at one of his local libraries, and thought he would spread the word.

The Prospect players are performing Terry Pratchett's Mort, adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs at the Bonington Theatre, Arnold Leisure Centre, Nottinghamshire 10th to 13th February 1999 7.30pm, with a Saturday Matinee at 2.00pm Tickets 4.00GBP, with concessions at 3.50GBP Phone Box office on 0115 9560733

Bath University Student Theatre will be putting on a production of Terry Pratchett's "Mort" (adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs). Performances: 24th-27th Feb 1999, 7.30pm, in the Main Hall. Tickets: 5/3.50 GBP from Bath Uni Box Office on (01225) 826420 / 826845 from 15th Feb. For more information, please contact

The bookshop Borders in Glasgow are selling the limited edition Discworld Calendar for half-price (5GBP). Anyone who wants one should email Emma H Crockett on ( ) quickly and she'll buy it for you if you send her a cheque for 6.50 GBP to cover postage and packaging.

The pictures include: Maskerade, Mort, Reaper Man, Colour of Magic, Colour of Magic and Light Fantastic, Hogfather, Guards! Guards!, Soul Music, Moving Pictures, Death in his Study and Men at Arms.

"Vicki Elliott" ( ) writes: There will be a Terry Pratchett's Discworld Quiz Evening at Ben Rhydding Scout Hut on Saturday 27th February 1999. The Licensed Bar opens at 7.15pm and the quiz starts 7.30 pm. Tickets cost 5GBP each, including supper and are available from Vicki Elliott on 01943 817000 or by post to Ashlands Veterinary Centre, 119 Leeds Road, Ilkley, West Yorks, LS29 8JS. Discworld Dress Code.

"Mark Jackson" ( ) has created a quotes program (for Windows 95/NT) with a Discworld Quotes file that you can download from from www.markj.freeserve.co.uk

There is a Discworld Bulletin Board at pluto.beseen.com/boardroom/q/21358/

Small Ads....

The following are looking for other Discworld Fans to correspond with:

"Paula Stewart" ( ) is a PTerry/ Discworld fan living in Canada (originally from London, Eng). Is there anybody out there on the ICQ who is also a Pratchettist? If you want to chat her ICQ number is # 16992792 (nickname "Londonlass").

"Simon Kincaid" ( ) writes: My site is almost up. I am now looking for people who want to help me maintain my site. There's no money involved, just a lot of fun. There's not much work to be done on it. You'll need to know HTML and have read a lot of Terry Pratchett. The positions open are as follows.

  1. Advertising: It's your job to advertise my page and bring in more traffic.
  2. Reviews: I need someone to find or write themselves reviews and different views on his TP books.
  3. Feature: I need someone to do a feature maybe every two weeks or month on anything about TP. Such as book signings or book covers.

The address is: surf.to/wilderness

"Gromit64" ( ) is looking for anyone who is interested in writing fantasy, science fiction or horror.

"Brenden Matthews" ( ) is making a webpage and would like people to look at it and mail their comments and suggestions and rating out of 10.

M.R.Webber would like to announce the launch of the Discworld Diceless RPG website. Fast, simple, story based RPGing for those who love the series, but disklike the rules heavy feel of GURPS. www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/2295/Diskworld/index.html

"Paul Landymore" ( ) has a limited edition (1 of 10) quarter leather bound, signed, first editions of Johnny and the Dead he wants to sell. They were originally prizes in a competition run by a UK bookshop chain called Books Etc, one for each of their then ten branches.

"Matt R Huertas" ( ) has a UK copy of the Discworld II videogame for the playstation that he can't use because his sister bought it in London and he lives in the US. Matt would be willing to take almost any offer, and maybe even pay postage. The game is in mint condition and has never been used.

"Casey Lopez" ( ) will be holding a Discworld based Live-Action Role-playing event at Genghis Con in Denver, Colorado USA on 13th February 1999. The event has been ok'd to run by PTerry and they are expecting it to be big.


3. Readers' Letters

If you have any letters / comments, please email

We assume any correspondence is eligible for use in the newsletter unless otherwise stated, including the sender's email address. We may also edit your letters to completely reverse their meaning.

Each month the writer of the month's best letter will receive two Discworld badges with PTerry quotes on them from Snapdragon Gifts. You can contact Snapdragon Gifts at or www.snapdragongifts.com. Please mention DWM in any correspondence.

*
* From: "Jim Spiers" ( )
*
In reply to Mindy and David Johnson's query as to the existence of only "smart" history teachers reading and enjoying Pratchett: Not only have I, a lowly music and gifted student teacher, read and enjoyed Discworld novels from the word go, I use them in class! I figure it's only natural, the little joys often make my life a living hell (a gift from their parents, no doubt...) so I'll warp the little buggers in their formative years!!! Actually a few of them are now constant readers as well. And several of those are students that heretofore would only read a book if it involved being subjected to only the most heinous of tortures. Chalk up another point for PTerry in education!

*
* From: "Lisa Paulaharju" ( )
*
I was reading through some sig. quotes, and this brought to mind some of the comments concerning PTerry's book-signing sessions, in the last issue of Discworld Monthly:

"I do not believe the expenditure of $2.50 for a book entitles the purchaser to the personal friendship of the author." -- Evelyn Waugh

*
* From: "Chris Morris" ( )
*
I think we now get the idea: Some people caught PTerry in a very good mood and were very happy at the signings, some people caught him when he was obviously tired and weren't happy.

Can we all PLEASE agree to disagree and now let the matter drop?

JA Replies: We recieved even MORE singing related mail this month - thanks to everyone who wrote in but we have to agree with Chris and leave this subject for a few months.

*
* From: "Nicholas Tanner" ( )
*
Hi, I really enjoy reading your newsletter. The articles are interesting and it is a pleasure to read about something I enjoy. However the amount of readers' letters each month is ridiculous. They are boring and waste of space. Don't get me wrong, I like to see what other people have to say and I am by no means anti-social, but can you please reduce the amount of letters and select just the good few. Can't we have some more fascinating articles?

JA replies: No, because readers letters are easier :)

*
* From: "Stephen Robb" ( )
*
I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who took time out to reply to my request for opinions on Discworld for my uni project. I was almost instantly inundated with more varied views than I knew what to do with and was able to produce a very broad ranging article because of it. My tutor got a brief preview today and was most impressed with my being able to mention views from fans as far afield as Japan and Argentina.

Anyway, thanks again; without everyone's help it would have been very different.

*
* From: "H.A.P.A. de Geus" ( )
*
I would like to thank you for the fantastic newsletter. I live in the Netherlands so it is very hard to get the latest news about the Discworld and PTerry. Thanks to DWM I had the chance to chat with PTerry himself (I didn't even know Barnes&Noble existed). He answered some of my questions too WOW! I just have one little question. Do you know if there is a Discworld fanclub in the Netherlands? I do not ask this because I don't like DWM (see above, I LOVE it!) but they might know more about Discworld events in the Netherlands. Thanks anyway.

From behind my computer in the dark and rainy Netherlands I greet you.

*
* From: "Barbara Bonnette" ( )
*
I heard PTerry speak at the Cheltenham Literature Festival in October. You had a letter in a recent issue which contained some very garbled information about what he said about forthcoming books, so here's some clarification. Terry actually mentioned four such books - Carpe Jugulum, the next Discworld book (The Fifth Elephant), a mainstream SF novel and a "non-fiction" opus called the Science of the Discworld. Your previous correspondent got the first and last of these confused. The Science of the Discworld, which Terry is writing in collaboration with someone whose name I didn't catch, is clearly a parody of the recent bestseller "The Science of Star Trek". As an engineer I am really looking forward to reading this - the references to quantum physics and its Discworld equivalent in the books are a constant joy to anyone with any background knowledge in this field.

Terry also referred to recent net speculation about the future of the Discworld books. Choosing his words with obvious care, he stated that he would never consciously sit down to write the last Discworld novel, but that there were other projects he wanted to do (e.g. the SF novel he was working on) so the frequency of new Discworld novels would definitely drop from now on.

Finally, my favourite question from the floor was "Is your work at all influenced by your wife?". It was the only one to which Terry seemed briefly lost for a suitable response, but the one he finally came up with - "that's like asking if a fish is influenced by water" - was well worth the wait.

JA Replies: Barbara gets this month's Letter of the Month.

*
* From: "DE JAGER" ( )
*
I'd like to reply shortly to two letters published recently. Firstly Ziv, with her idea of a collection of short stories by my favourite author. I live in South Africa and I never even knew PTerry wrote short stories until I subscribed to DWM, let alone read one. I think it's a great idea! Should it ever happen, Terry, please make sure I can get a hold of it here! Meanwhile I would like to know if and where I can find his short stories in SA.

*
* From: "Mark Oosterveen" ( )
*
I'm afraid you have badly misinformed the chap/lady from Bangladesh who had his/her letter printed last issue. The "Klatchian wolfhound" seen by Vimes rushing towards the Barbican in "Jingo" is NOT in fact Angua, but it is instead a......Klatchian wolfhound! It is one of 71-hour Ahmed's dogs, later seen during Angua's capture on his boat, and it gets to the scene long before Vimes does. Like Ahmed himself. Therefore it is a clue that Ahmed is constantly one step ahead of the Watch, which he is. If you think I'm wrong, ask Terry.

WB replies: No, it's Angua.

*
* From:
*
I'm very interested in finding a source for any Pratchett items (videos especially) and in finding the nearest Pratchett fan club (or in starting one here). I live in the States in Columbia, South Carolina, and have several friends who are also fans of the Discworld books. Any assistance you can render will be greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance!

*
* From: "Caroline Styrmo" ( )
*
I have just re-read Discworld Monthly Issue 20 and this time I just had to respond to Stephen Billington's letter.

According to my reality, Sgt. Colon would certainly have hit the dragon's voonerables at millions to one odds. The only reason he didn't was because that particular dragon did _not_ have voonerables.

*
* From: "Overton, Mark" ( )
*
Is it possible to get a scanned image of Terry's signature? I have the chance to buy signed copies of Small Gods and Lords and Ladies hard-backs, but the dealer got them in a swap- we don't know if the signatures are real or not. I'd rather not spend the money for obvious fakes.

*
* From: E & R Shanahan ( )
*
In issue 21, Viv and Stu Davidson wrote:

"Now I'm fast approaching the big FIFTY and I'm worried that the humour is going to fade away like everything else. Do tell me this isn't so! Are there lots of over 50 TP fans out there?"

Don't worry about it - if you are APPROACHING 50 you are laughing - and can keep doing so! I didn't even discover PT until my 60s. After years of "What can I buy as a New Year present for this man who has everything he wants" from Eunice, she was able to get me a copy of the Discworld Companion for this year. As an Aussie I can assure you "No worries Mate" "No sweat" "If you can't laugh you might as well kark it" Trust me!! Cheers. Ron.

*
* From:
*
I Was feeling very smug having gotten the "Johnny Maxwell" trilogy from the Science Fiction Book Club, 'cos it's not otherwise available in the U.S. and then the new advert publishes The Great Man's actual e-mail address. Of course I tried it out, and not only was I delighted not to get my missive returned from MAILERDAEMON or whatever the beastie is, I received a brief yet gracious reply within 24 hrs. Piers Anthony gives chapter and verse (not to mention footnotes, bibliography and copyright) on time, writing, and the requests/demands of loyal fans, so I appreciate the fact that PTerry does read and reply to his e-mail.

*
* From: "Tahirah AbuBakar" ( )
*
Hello ... I'm Deej and I live in Sabah, Malaysia - formerly known in the colonial times as North Borneo. I work with World Wide Fund for Nature Malaysia and yes, we do deal with a lot of orangutan conservation issues, so anyone wishing to know more about the Librarian's ancestry or have a peek at the real living environment of his Malaysian cousins, do email me.

I am sure that the Librarian has Malaysian roots. I am pretty certain he even understands Malay. "Mau makan pisang ??"

My prime lamentation is that there is a deplorable lack of Terry's books here in Malaysia even in our capital city, Kuala Lumpur.

*
* From: "Joyce Tagal" ( )
*
My brother and I started reading PTerry this year, and we're surprised at the surprising lack of people who read Terry Pratchett in Malaysia.


4. Who's Who On The Discworld: HEX

This month fellow reader Thomas Moore ( ) tries his hand at writing a Who's Who about HEX.

Hex is a ten-tonne magical instrument that is extremely unpopular with Senior Wizards, making the younger apprentices even more proud of their achievement. Hex was designed to deal with magical problems, such as mixing together five hundred spells to create a meta-spell of some sort. However this initially failed and Hex could only manage sums with pieces of cheese! Ponder Stibbons, one of Hex's creators, considers himself to be the only sane wizard, and Hex to be his glorifying moment in History. Stibbons cares greatly for Hex and often feeds him cheese or honey.

The only original piece of Hex is an Unreal Time Clock, the rest having suspiciously appeared overnight. Some things, like the ram's head which adorns the top of Hex, were added after the item was specifically requested by the mechanism. The majority of Hex is a large ant farm that allows Hex to think; without this and the FTB (Fluffy Teddy Bear) Hex will not operate. There are also a wind speed measurer, some small unknown religious symbols, a quill pen, an aquarium (to keep bored wizards occupied) and wind chimes. No-one knows what any of these supposedly integral parts of Hex do, although the quill pen is used for answering vital questions. Hex is operated by a Great Big Lever which many wizards find overly amusing...

Hex has been asked many questions concerning Discworld philosophy, particularly the question "Why?" This was answered with "Because" followed by an "Out of Cheese Error", a common occurrence with Hex. As time has gone on, Hex has acquired the uncanny ability to answer questions before they have been asked, causing much pain to Archchancellor Ridcully. Hex has been the only known 'thing' to defeat the Bursar in a talking competition, however this inevitably led to the machine going quite mad and becoming passionate friends with a melon and Mr Jelly. Hex was cured with Dried Frog Pills and, in its last outing, was able to help solve the Hogfather problem.


5. Mike Richardson's Interview with Terry Pratchett

Mike Richardson is a Discworld and Palm Pilot fan. Every month Mike kindly converts the latest Discworld Monthly into DOC format for the Palm Pilot. He recently interviewed PTerry about Palm Pilots and the Internet.

We have been given permission to publish the full interview but due to space reasons we have only included some of the more pertinent questions, the full interview can be found at Mike's website: www.grim-reaper.freeserve.co.uk

[Mike Richardson] How important is your PalmPilot in the creative process (i.e. do you store character notes etc. on it)?

[Terry Pratchett] Huh? No! I *make* notes on it, of course, but as far as I'm concerned the Pilot is simply a useful 'dingy' for my desktop machine, or the laptop if I'm away for some time.

[Mike Richardson] I've noticed that your an active poster to alt.fan.pratchett. How important is the Internet for you to keep in touch with your fans?

[Terry Pratchett] I don't think about it any more. It just seems a normal thing to do:-)

[Mike Richardson] Do you ever visit any of the many Discworld-related websites, and what is your opinion of them in general - do they help or hurt?

[Terry Pratchett] They're *fandom* :-)

[Mike Richardson] Have you looked at the new generation of electronic books like the Rocket eBook, Millennium eBook or the SoftBook and do you think these will change reading habits?

[Terry Pratchett] Funny you should say that. I've been looking around. I believe that a lot of people will hang on to books, though - as *books*. But electronic books seem to be the way to go for non-fiction, especially for stuff that dates quickly.

[Mike Richardson] How do you feel about people being able to download an electronic version of your work? How important is the physical packaging and consistent look and feel to you as an author, and would you have any concerns about illegal copying?

[Terry Pratchett] It's going to be up to publishers to look into the copying question, since in many cases they're producing the printed version as well. I hear reassurances, but the world is full of busy little people, busily cracking uncrackable protection. My immediate key concern is how the author can ensure that their text remains as they wrote it, and doesn't get altered by crazy netheads.

[Mike Richardson] Have you ever considered launching an official web site along the lines of www.clivebarker.com?

[Terry Pratchett] Look, I answer my mail. I answer my emails. I must be one of the most approachable authors in the UK. I write a lot of books. And you want me to run a website as well? No. I hang out on a.f.p, but even now I'm spending too much time on the net. Seriously...if there is an official site, and my agent has raised it once or twice, it won't be named after me:-)

[Mike Richardson] Have you ever considered making an Discworld novel available exclusively via installments using email?

[Terry Pratchett] Yes, but then I go and lie down until the madness goes away.

[Mike Richardson] Given the immense interest in Discworld and the resultant merchandise and fandom, do you ever feel that your creations have taken on a Frankenstein-esque life of their own, or are you happy to see them grown-up, left school and off to college? How do you feel when someone is prepared to pay large amounts of money for the first editions of "The Carpet People" or "The Colour of Magic"?

[Terry Pratchett] I still keep a lot of control over merchandising, which may appear large by book standards but are tiny compared to most media-related stuff. As far as I'm concerned, it's all part of the whole thing. As for the price of early hardbacks and so on...well, I don't think about it. It's best just to get on with the next book...

[Mike Richardson] Undoubtedly the most popular DW character (at least according to Clarecraft), is Death. Why did you choose to portray him as such a likeable character? Is this an anthropomorphic personification of your own fear of dying and being forgotten?

[Terry Pratchett] I'm not worried at all about death; like most people, I'm mildly apprehensive about what happens just *before* death. I just chose Death as a character because I knew he'd be a good one.

[Mike Richardson] On a lighter note, how long have you been using the Internet? How do you feel that the Internet has changed since you started using it?

[Terry Pratchett] More people are trying to sell stuff, usually sex.

[Mike Richardson] Over the next 5 years, do you anticipate the Internet playing a larger, smaller, or equivalent part in your professional life?

[Terry Pratchett] It's bound to be more. Sigh


6. Millennium Hand and Shrimp - The 3rd Discworld Convention

The 3rd Discworld Convention has been provisionally booked for the 27th to 31st July 2000 at the Radisson Edwardian Hotel (near Heathrow).

Apparently the Radisson is a popular venue for conventions and has a lot of experience in hosting fan conventions. Whether they've ever seen anything like a Discworld Convention remains to be seen.

Email enquiries regarding the 2000 Discworld Convention should be sent to:

There is a new email mailing list for interested people. To subscribe, email to:

with SUBSCRIBE as the _subject_ (to unsubscribe, similarly with UNSUBSCRIBE as the _subject_). If you need help, send to the same address with HELP in the subject line.

This mailing list will require confirmation of subscription, details of which will be sent when you subscribe.

Postal enquiries should be sent to:

The Discworld Convention PO Box 189 Patchway Bristol BS32 8YE

A website is also available at: www.lspace.org/fandom/cons/dwcon2k


7. DiscTrivia

This month I'd like to take the opportunity to show you the sort of game we're aiming for in the DiscTriviaGame. The three questions are all the standard multiple choice type, sent in by some of the 150 members of the team, but modified slightly for use here. If you'd like to help with the game - in any way, please join the discussion group at www.listbot.com/subscribe/disctrivia - or if you have any questions please e-mail me at

Thanks, and enjoy. Danu Poyner ( )

  1. Let's say Chalky the troll quits drawing for a living and decides to become the first troll wizard. The day of final exams is a scorching day. What problem will Chalky encounter?

    Choice A: He can't read the questions because he's gone blind.
    Choice B: He just sits in a heap, completely insensible.
    Choice C: He finishes quickly with a perfect paper and gets booted out on suspicion of cheating.
    Choice D: He sweats all over the paper.

  2. Let's say the UU wizards accidentally pick up American television in one of their crystal balls. Which show would they most likely avoid watching?

    Choice A: "My Three Sons"
    Choice B: "The Magnificent Seven"
    Choice C: "Eight is Enough"
    Choice D: "Beverly Hills, 90210"

  3. I'm Esme Weatherwax - I'm sure you've heard of me but who of you really knows where I come from?

    Choice A: Lancre
    Choice B: Slice
    Choice C: Bad Ass
    Choice D: Ohulan Cutash

Special thanks to Adam Linville and Aaron Dick (who has a site in my webring) for those questions. See you next month...

This month's answers can be found in section 9.


8. PTerry Short Stories - Part 14 - "THE SEA AND LITTLE FISHES"

This is the 14th and final installment of this series about PTerry's short fiction work. The fourteen pieces I have covered are almost certainly not 'the whole story', but Mr Pratchett is not forthcoming about the work he wrote in his younger years, and so there is always the enticing prospect of unearthing another rarity amongst the musty shelves of the second hand book shops.

In case you haven't noticed, 'The Sea and Little Fishes' has only recently been published in the Robert Silverberg anthology 'Legends'. US Discworld fans will be delighted to hear that the anthology was published in the US (Tor Books, ISBN 0312867875) slightly earlier than in the UK (Voyager, ISBN 0002256665). It is tempting to suggest that PTerry must finally be breaking the US market, but one look at the bland US cover shows a bold list of featured authors, none of whose names rhyme with hatchett. The UK cover goes the other way, with bold Josh Kirby artwork and only Stephen King's name having more prominence.

Interestingly, Josh Kirby's original artwork for the book had to be rejected when PTerry decided to edit out the piece of text that Josh had based his drawing on. Josh very kindly allowed the Discworld Convention people to use the artwork on the cover of their program and TWK (the excellent Discworld fanzine) also used the piece on the cover of their last issue.

If you are a collector of Pratchett rarities, you should look out for the sampler that Harper Collins produced ('not for resale', heh, heh) which was limited to 1000 copies, 200 of which were signed by both authors. It contains just two of the stories from 'Legends' - PTerry's being one and Raymond E. Feist's 'The Wood Boy' being the other.

The story itself concerns the 'Lancre Witch Trials'. Unlike the Witch Trials of medieval time, Lancre's version is more of a village fair where the local witches compete to see who is the best. Unfortunately, everyone knows who is the best, and it has become a competition to see who is second best after Granny Weatherwax. The organising committee (in the form of Letice Earwig) take a bold step and ask Granny not to take part this year, and the story is about what happens subsequently. I'm sure your imagination is racing!

This is very much in the style of the Discworld 'Witches' books, and fans of Granny will not be disappointed by this clever and very funny tale. Quite what US readers, new to the Terry's work, will make of it I hate to speculate, but the story certainly works well as a piece in its own right and no prior knowledge of the Discworld is necessary to enjoy it.

I've always tried to include a quote from the works I've reviewed, so I'll leave you with the very first line of the story. Like so much of Terry's writing, it's a line that warrants a little thought:

"Trouble began, and not for the first time, with an apple."

Phil Penney
--

Phil runs the Discworld fan club "The Guild of Fans and Disciples". For more information, visit "fly.to/discworld" or e-mail him on . Branches in Germany, South Africa, USA, Australia, New Zealand and run from the UK.


9. The End

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* Answers to this months DiscTriva *

  1. Let's say Chalky the troll quits drawing for a living and decides to become the first troll wizard. The day of final exams is a scorching day. What problem will Chalky encounter?

    Choice A: He can't read the questions because he's gone blind.
    Choice B: He just sits in a heap, completely insensible.
    Choice C: He finishes quickly with a perfect paper and gets booted out on suspicion of cheating.
    Choice D: He sweats all over the paper.

    Response A: Nope, troll eyes aren't affected by heat. Besides, I don't think Chalky can read anyway.
    Response B: Troll brains work effectively only in low temperatures, so he'll likely be to stupified by the heat to remember his name, much less the answers.
    Response C: What, are you kidding? Trolls aren't smart enough to cheat. Not that I've anything against them, fine body of rocks--er, people, I've always said.
    Response D: Trolls don't sweat. That'd be like getting water from a stone. Exactly like it, in fact.

  2. Let's say the UU wizards accidentally pick up American television in one of their crystal balls. Which show would they most likely avoid watching?

    Choice A: "My Three Sons"
    Choice B: "The Magnificent Seven"
    Choice C: "Eight is Enough"
    Choice D: "Beverly Hills, 90210"

    Response A: No, the Bursas seems to enjoy this show, though he's always jumping up and down screaming "GOAL!" for some reason.
    Response B: Sorry, but the Dean loves this cowboy show so much he's made himself some chaps and runs around with Ridcully's crossbow yelling "Draw!"
    Response C: Because the number eight holds immense power on the Disc, wizards can't speak it, and they probably wouldn't want to watch the show, either.
    Response D: The students in the High Energy Magic building love this one, almost as much as "Baywatch". Sorry.

  3. I'm Esme Weatherwax - I'm sure you've heard of me but who of you really knows where I come from?

    Choice A: Lancre
    Choice B: Slice
    Choice C: Bad Ass
    Choice D: Ohulan Cutash

    Response A: No, but the place would fall apart if it wasn't for me.
    Response B: Of course not!
    Response C: I can see you know what's what about you're witches! Thats right!
    Response D: I despise that cesspit! How dare you?

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